Humor
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Scary Campfire Stories for Middle Age
Gather round, summer campers. Hey, Braden. Put that stick down. The marshmallows are for s'mores, not for stuffing in your... Br... BRADEN. Can someone get him to... Lance! Can you go get Lance from the commissary? I know he's setting up for friendship bracelets, but. Please, just... OK, thank you.
Anyway. Get over here, campers, for it is ...Read more
For The Kids...
Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!
My teacher reminds me of history
She's always ...Read more
Laryngitis
A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.
The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."
Kid's Life Truths
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3 year-old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Reading what people write on desks...Read more
Lot of Bull
A farmer was bragging. "I've got 350 sheep."
"That's a lot of sheep," replied the other farmer.
"And I've got 500 chickens," bragged the farmer.
"That's a lot of chickens," answered the second farmer.
"And 40 bulls," added the farmer.
The other farmer replied, "Boy! That IS a lot of bull."
Basic Rules for Dogs - Part II
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed - Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on ...Read more
The Ant and the Elephant
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.
"Darn!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
Scavenger Hunt
A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny and Billy holding a list. "Lady," Johnny explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
Computer Help
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we called the customer support phone number we found in the manual.
I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.
He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more...Read more
Benny and the Genie
Benny Shapiro worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He used to tell his friends that he was the curator, although his primary job was to keep the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Low ...Read more
Lawyer Humor
Q: Why are lawyers always buried twelve feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they're all nice guys.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
Halloween Quick Funnies
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? To improve his bite...
Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road? It had no guts...
Why do witches use brooms to fly on? Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...
How do witches keep their hair in place while flying? With scare spray...
Who was the most famous French skeleton? Napoleon bone-...Read more
Desi Lydic Targets Illegally Idling Vehicles | The Daily Show
Everyone wants to save the planet, but what if you could make an easy buck while doing it? Desi Lydic joins the “Idle Warriors,” a group focused on reporting idle vehicles for a cash reward. Desi searches high and low in New York City to save the environment, and maybe even pay off some credit card bills.
Amy Ray and Emily Saliers on Changing Lyrics in Their Songs and Documentary It's Only Life After All
Amy Ray and Emily Saliers talk about forming their band Indigo Girls, finding community through activism and Greta Gerwig using "Closer to Fine" in the Barbie movie.
iPad’s Killer Commercial
A new ad for the Apple iPad is sparking controversy.
David Beckham on Spice Girls Reuniting for Victoria’s 50th, Messi Mania in USA & Being a Neat Freak
David talks about his honey, owning the Miami Football Club, bringing Lionel Messi to America, his wife Victoria celebrating her 50th birthday, getting the Spice Girls back together, making his documentary “Beckham,” watching it for the first time with Victoria and getting emotional together, being a total neat freak, his Dad taping every ...Read more
Meanwhile... Beyoncé-Inspired Sauce At Arby’s | Cybertruck Breaks Fingers | Tracking Mister Softee
Meanwhile... Fans of Beyoncé’s "Cowboy Carter" album are going to love the new sauce at Arby’s, a Tesla fan got hurt doing research on his Cybertruck, and it’s easier than ever to find out where the Mister Softee truck will be.
Jon Stewart Surprises Jimmy Kimmel’s Kids on the Drive to School
Back in October Jimmy and his wife Molly surprised their kids Jane and Billy by picking up a hitchhiker named Olivia Rodrigo on their way to school. It has been the talk of the house ever since, so Jon Stewart suggested that it might be funny if we did the same thing but pick HIM up this time instead. Except he is not a pop singer beloved by 9 ...Read more
Seth Found Out He Lost a Writers Guild Award to John Oliver While on Stage Together
John Oliver talks about the New Year's Eve celebration he had with Seth in Las Vegas, watching Conan O'Brien on Hot Ones and how he is so much calmer when he is doing stand-up comedy.