Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!

What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

My teacher reminds me of history
She's always ...Read more

A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.

The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3. If your sister hits you, don't hit back. They always catch the second person.

4. Never ask your 3 year-old brother to hold a tomato.

5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6. Reading what people write on desks...Read more

A farmer was bragging. "I've got 350 sheep."

"That's a lot of sheep," replied the other farmer.

"And I've got 500 chickens," bragged the farmer.

"That's a lot of chickens," answered the second farmer.

"And 40 bulls," added the farmer.

The other farmer replied, "Boy! That IS a lot of bull."

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed - Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on ...Read more

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.

"Darn!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny and Billy holding a list. "Lady," Johnny explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we called the customer support phone number we found in the manual.

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more...Read more

Benny Shapiro worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He used to tell his friends that he was the curator, although his primary job was to keep the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Low ...Read more

My wife noticed that the couples in all of those Viagra commercials are always dancing.

Now she wants me to try it. She thinks it will improve my dancing.

Q: Why are lawyers always buried twelve feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they're all nice guys.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? To improve his bite...

Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road? It had no guts...

Why do witches use brooms to fly on? Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying? With scare spray...

Who was the most famous French skeleton? Napoleon bone-...Read more